July 29, 2010

Guilt, My Old Friend

It's been so long since I've blogged, I'm not even sure where to begin. I don't mean to go so long between blogs but it seems like I blink and another month has slipped through my fingers. However, my brain is constantly working, drafting blogs, stories and general observances about life. As I've said before, the voices in my head never shut up long enough for me to have any peace.

Then again, there is the matter of the guilt that likes to take up residence in my soul. My life is one big errand or project after another and if I actually have five minutes to sit at the computer, it should be spent doing something productive, not something fun and satisfying such as blogging or working on another one of my "books" (in quotations because other than the first, they are all just works in progress).

My main problem is that I'm just not disciplined enough to get up early and schedule that "me" time. I'd rather sleep. I'm tired all the time and it's hard to give up on a few extra z's. Yes, I have a rather hectic life (which I find amusing because we don't actually DO anything) but I also take medication that causes fatigue. I counteract it the best I can with vitamins and a very precise schedule of when I take it but I'm still tired most of the day. At any given point in any day, I could lay down and sleep for 2 hours...and still go back to bed and sleep just fine at night. Some days I have to take a nap because I physically can't keep my eyelids open or I can't get my eyeballs to both focus on the same thing.

And there is always so much to do. I've neglected my Facebook life for almost 2 weeks now and haven't been watching a lot of TV--in fact, I hardly ever watch it at all anymore. But I find myself starting to resent bedtime because it means that I have to stop whatever it is I'm working on or put off for another day what I WANT to be working on. It's that "there's never enough hours in the day" dilemma. But I am honest enough with myself to admit that more hours would just mean more time to do errands or other such things that make me feel like I'm being productive as opposed to selfish.

Guilt and laziness plague me as you would know if you are a regular reader of my blog. I try to be absolutely honest with myself when I do blog and I have accepted my faults and weaknesses. So why is it so hard to confront them and change things? It would be as simple as waking up an hour earlier so I could have some time to write but no matter how much my soul screams out to do just that, my body won't comply.

Why are the simplest solutions the hardest?

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