November 9, 2011

Give Thanks

It's the season of Thankfulness. At least, according to Facebook it is. Facebook is my only connection to the outside world and I stalk that thing like a kid sneaking into his parents' party. I am all over it 'cause I don't want to miss out on something. Your kid said something funny? Your dog tore apart the living room? You ran out of mayo? I'm right there clicking "like" and lol'ing (some times more than others). I've noticed the trend this month is a 30 Day Thankfulness Challenge. Seeing how November is the month of Thanksgiving and all, the idea is to present something each day that you are thankful for. Great idea! Let's give it a shot.

Except this is me you're talking to. I would like to present the 30 Day Thankfulness Challenge with a Slacker Mom twist. I was inspired by my friends over at Rants From Mommyland. You see, they have this saying that something is a "First World Problem". Lack of food, water, basic medical supplies? That's a problem you'll encounter in a third world country. Malaria, starvation, AIDS epidemics? Again, third world problem. But we don't live in a third world, we live here--the United States. The country where even our homeless have more than those in third world countries. The country that has an obesity epidemic and an endless need for storage units to house all the crap we own that we can't fit into our houses. So the problems that we encounter tend to be...a little less urgent, let's say.

Less urgent they may be, but we still rant and rave and vent about how hard we have it. Let me present to you a few of my own personal First World Problems.
  • I'm irritated because now that the tractor trailer full of our belongings has been delivered, I can't use the excuse of not having dishes to avoid cooking dinner and get take out.
  • I feel like my cupboards are empty because after sending my two youngest to school today with canned goods for the food drive, I'm down to only 3 cans of tuna and 4 boxes of Mac & Cheese.
  • The A/C in my van doesn't work so as I'm driving to take the kids to the movie or go to work or pick up fast food for dinner, I have to drive with the windows down. It gets too loud for me to listen to the radio and I hate that.
  • I couldn't get my little TV to fit in the kitchen so now I will only have cable in 2 rooms in the house.
  • We only have a dorm size fridge right now which means I can only keep a few Dr. Pepper cans in there at a time. Sometimes I forget to restock and then I have to drink one that's not cold.
  • If we are recording 2 programs on our DVR at the same time, we can't watch another show so we have to choose which one we are going miss.
  • Howdy and Sassy have started liking candy with peanuts in it so that means this year I can't pick out all the peanut M&Ms and Snickers from their Halloween candy and keep it for myself.
  • My kids can't be near me without cuddling, snuggling or sitting on my lap which means they are ALWAYS. TOUCHING. ME.
You get the idea? I guarantee if you vent out those frustrations--like driving the 2 blocks to the grocery store only to find out they are out of milk and then having to turn around and drive 12 whole blocks in the other direction to get milk from one of the other neighborhood markets--you will realize how incredible blessed you really are. I would love to hear some of your First World Problems.

*In the Lord, I'll be ever thankful!*

November 8, 2011

For Hire

For Hire:

A slacker mom who, due to a lack of vision by her previous employers, was not recognized as the genius that she is. She has years of experience in customer service, managerial duties and putting up with corporate crap. Also highly qualified as a doormat.

Slacker mom has many sought after skills and talents such as:
  • Excellent at photographing things that don't move--a perfect skill for those needing a morgue photographer or want someone to photograph their ceramic cat collection.
  • Great at organizing and details--a great asset for anyone looking to organize their closet by season, color, sleeve length and/or collar type. Slacker Mom also has wicked mad skills with a label maker.
  • Mastery in full body restraint techniques. Able to subdue a 60 pound screaming monsoon with badger-like talons and a penchant for spitting WITHOUT. LOSING. SANITY.
  • Ability to pull together random pieces of cast-off junk and produce unique and whimsical gift and decor items. On a related note, Slacker Mom is experienced in finding room to store large quantities of cast-off junk in very limited space--highly efficient.
  • Professional level skills in multi-tasking--can simultaneously stalk Facebook while cooking dinner, reading a book, watching Monday Night Football and riding the minions about their homework. She has even been known to run through several loads of laundry while accomplishing the above tasks.
  • Can anticipate the needs of others. Slacker Mom can answer the question "Mommy, where's my--?" without needing to hear the end of the sentence.
Slacker Mom is a highly creative individual who has trained 3 minions to cook for themselves on Fridays, navigate their own suitcases in the airports, sing along to classic artists such as Weird Al, Black Eyed Peas and Owl City, write their own blogs, and be loud and obnoxious in public places with ease. She has mastered the art of Rock Band, groan-inducing jokes, and packing boxes with no wasted space as well as developed a highly sophisticated taste for sarcasm.

All she is looking for is a job in which she can showcase these talents and get paid enough to live in the manner she thinks she deserves. Anyone with a position available should leave a message. Be sure to include the pay rate as well as the number of week long paid vacations Slacker Mom can expect in her hire package.

Then she'll have her people contact your people.