November 8, 2011

For Hire

For Hire:

A slacker mom who, due to a lack of vision by her previous employers, was not recognized as the genius that she is. She has years of experience in customer service, managerial duties and putting up with corporate crap. Also highly qualified as a doormat.

Slacker mom has many sought after skills and talents such as:
  • Excellent at photographing things that don't move--a perfect skill for those needing a morgue photographer or want someone to photograph their ceramic cat collection.
  • Great at organizing and details--a great asset for anyone looking to organize their closet by season, color, sleeve length and/or collar type. Slacker Mom also has wicked mad skills with a label maker.
  • Mastery in full body restraint techniques. Able to subdue a 60 pound screaming monsoon with badger-like talons and a penchant for spitting WITHOUT. LOSING. SANITY.
  • Ability to pull together random pieces of cast-off junk and produce unique and whimsical gift and decor items. On a related note, Slacker Mom is experienced in finding room to store large quantities of cast-off junk in very limited space--highly efficient.
  • Professional level skills in multi-tasking--can simultaneously stalk Facebook while cooking dinner, reading a book, watching Monday Night Football and riding the minions about their homework. She has even been known to run through several loads of laundry while accomplishing the above tasks.
  • Can anticipate the needs of others. Slacker Mom can answer the question "Mommy, where's my--?" without needing to hear the end of the sentence.
Slacker Mom is a highly creative individual who has trained 3 minions to cook for themselves on Fridays, navigate their own suitcases in the airports, sing along to classic artists such as Weird Al, Black Eyed Peas and Owl City, write their own blogs, and be loud and obnoxious in public places with ease. She has mastered the art of Rock Band, groan-inducing jokes, and packing boxes with no wasted space as well as developed a highly sophisticated taste for sarcasm.

All she is looking for is a job in which she can showcase these talents and get paid enough to live in the manner she thinks she deserves. Anyone with a position available should leave a message. Be sure to include the pay rate as well as the number of week long paid vacations Slacker Mom can expect in her hire package.

Then she'll have her people contact your people.

4 comments:

  1. Oh goodness gracious we are so much alike, Slaker mom you rock!!

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  2. Seriously folks..... the woman NEEDS a job!!! AND she will be an INCREDIBLE ASSET to the growth of your company!!!

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  3. Your full body restraint comment reminded me of two jobs... The para-educator's in the school districts or the mental health technicians in the state hospitals... I have second hand experience with both and although I think you'd be great at both (my job and my kids,) I definately think you'd enjoy the first one better! They're both in high demand and they're definately needed (and muchly appreciated by us moms!) I'm sure you know about them but if not, holler and I'll share more! Good luck.

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  4. You're so clever and funny. I envy your ability to write the way that you do, and even the fact that you can find something to blog about.

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