July 26, 2012

Questionable Wisdom

I am an evil, evil mommy.

This morning, at the inhumane time of 6:45, Howdy and I checked into the oral surgeon's office where he was to get teeth pulled in preparation for braces. We had been informed that they might go ahead and take out his wisdom teeth in addition to his 4 bicuspids as long as they had him sedated, and yup, they confirmed they were going to do just that. I got to sit with him while they gave him some laughing gas and then cringed in sympathy as they set up an IV. The poor kid--he's never even had a cavity, never been in the hospital, and considering that we opt out of vaccines, he's hardly had any shots. Talk about jumping in with both feet.

I sat in the waiting room and it wasn't long before a nurse came out to tell me all went well. I was given instructions, a pile of prescriptions to have filled and asked to wait at the car while they wheeled him out in the wheelchair. My heart dropped when I finally got a look at him. His mouth was so stuffed full of gauze that he couldn't even close his lips and tears were pouring down his face. I felt a little better after the nurse reminded me that the anesthetic was making him emotional. I had to help him into the car as his legs didn't want to work properly. He cried some more as I buckled him in. I told him it was okay and he responded with, "Eye ohhh"--which I interpreted as "I know"--and a goofy, definitely drug-induced smile.

Here's where the evil part comes in. As I run around the car to get in on my side, I start giggling. I just couldn't help it. He reminded me of that YouTube video that was going around of that guy who just got out of the dentist. He was just so out of it, crying and laughing at the same time. I got in and buckled and saw tears rolling down my baby's cheeks so I wiped them off. He tried to crack his eyes open, but they didn't obey very well. He tried to pull down the visor to look in the mirror but it took a few tries before he could judge the depth correctly. Then he said, "Fah bah wah bah wah." Despite my best efforts, I couldn't interpret that one so he repeated himself, "Bah wah ha yaya." (I had to suppress more giggling.) I told him just to relax, we were heading home, and then I put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot. His face scrunched up and he sobbed a bit more. I reassured him, which only made him laugh. He knew it was the drugs making him weepy but he couldn't help himself, so he just cried and then let out that Beevis and Butthead laugh when he did. I wiped his tears and then turned my head away to let out my own (hopefully) quiet laughter.

As we pulled onto the street, he tried to say something else. "Honey, I'm sorry, but I can't understand a thing you are trying to say when you have a mouth full of gauze." So he tried to pantomime what he wanted. He pointed to the clock on the dash and then outlined a big square. Then he acted like he was dipping something into a cup and putting into his mouth. Completely confused, I had to take a wild guess, "You're hungry?" He shook his head no and then made the telephone sign with his hand. "You want my phone? You can't call anyone." He pantomimed again. "You want to text?" He holds two thumbs up with a big, cheese ball grin. Yes, that's it. He wanted to text so I could understand him. Great idea. It took him a few minutes but then he handed it over and it said, "Feel weird". Ya think? Then he texted, "Where were you?" I was only allowed to stay until he got his IV in and then I was escorted to the waiting room, but of course, he didn't remember any of it.

He tried to lay the seat back but couldn't seem to locate the lever. I told him it's on his right side but he kept fishing around both sides until he finally found it. He couldn't figure out how to operate it though. "Howdy, lift up. Up." With his eyes closed and that stoner smile in place he flashed me the peace sign. What?? Am I supposed to know what that means? Eventually he got his seat down and rested until we get home. I had to carry most of his weight going into the house as his legs still didn't want to work, and when I had to let go of him to close the door I made him grab the couch so he wouldn't fall over. He cried again when I sat him on the bed and so we repeated the reassuring/laughing routine once again. I took off his shoes, propped up a bunch of pillows and told him to lie back. He reached out blindly with his hand but couldn't seem to locate the pillows that were right next to him. Finally, I had to guide/drag him into place and he settled in.

Thinking I had awhile to fill prescriptions and make a grocery store stop while he slept, I got ready to head out, leaving him in his dad's care. Just as I grab my shoes and purse, we heard that muffled voice. MC and I went in and checked on Howdy, and of course we couldn't understand a word so we handed him a pad of paper and a pencil. He wanted to know what happened--he couldn't remember anything. He didn't even know how he got in his bed. And, by the way, what is in his mouth? We explained everything to him, again, and then eventually I gave him a bell to ring since we couldn't hear him attempting to call us, but I warned him I would only tolerate it for today.

He's doing alright now--in pain, but he was able to get his pain meds down without too much hassle. He rang his bell a few times and every time I went in he forgot what he wanted or he didn't know why he even rang. I just checked and/or changed his gauze and then he went right back to sleep. I think he's finally starting to come down off the anesthesia since he's awake enough to request a movie in his bedroom. The sad thing is, he still thinks he'll be fine to go to the movies with his youth group this evening. At the moment he can't even remember his own name. I don't think a night at the movies is in his immediate future.

I tried to videotape him when he was loopy but he nixed that one. The funny thing is, I know when I tell him everything he did while drugged up, he's going to wish he could see it. Instead I'm just having a ball telling everyone how goofy he acts when he's higher than a kite. I could barely get the words out when I was relaying it all to MC because I was laughing so hard. In fact--

Great. There goes the bell again. I'm starting to think I may have been a little high when I gave him that thing...

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