April 26, 2013

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Sex.

Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SEX. sex. Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex. Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexxxxxxx. 

Am I making you uncomfortable yet? Yes? Than you probably don't want to continue. Go ahead, close the
page, go back to scrolling FB or Pinterest or something safe like that because I am going to talk about sex and not everyone can handle that. 

Which kills me.

Let me back up and give you a little context here. I grew up in a very open and honest home. Discussions about sex or including sexual innuendos and/or graphic jokes were a frequent occurance around our dinner table. (How you feel about that is irrelevant. That's just how I was raised.) The first time I ever went into one of those stores that sells sexy lingerie and toys that you don't want to explain to your children, I forgot my ID and had to tell the clerk, "This is my mom--she can vouch for my age!" That's right--I was there with my mom and sister. 

I started going to church when I was 16 and now my family and I don't always see eye to eye on issues regarding sex. And while my values may have shifted, that openness and desire for frank discussion were firmly implanted in my DNA.  I believe it was created by God and given to us to repopulate, of course, but also to enjoy with our spouse. It's a bond, a closeness that we can have with no one else. What am I saying? Sex is GOOD and given to us by God. Should we enjoy it? Absolutely! With our spouse. 

So why, if God has given us something beautiful and enjoyable to share with our husband or wife, do we treat it as if it's dirty

We may teach our kids the mechanics of how babies are made but how many of us actually sit down and answer the specifics about sex with our children? I'm talking frank discussions that answer questions like:
Is masturbating a bad thing?
What happens when I am drawn to porn?
Is it bad to buy toys?
Is role play acceptable?
What is a BJ/69/missionary/add in your own embarrassing word here?
What do I do if things aren't so healthy down there?
What happens when I am so worn out and tired from raising my little babies and my husband still wants sex but I don't want to admit to him that he's just another line on my To Do list?
How do I ask for something that I want? What if he/she thinks it's weird?

Maybe none of you have ever had any of these questions. Maybe I'm just a freak in a conservative society. And maybe I'm also secretly a millionaire with a Barbie figure! Whether you admit it or not, I'm sure everyone has had at least one question about sex that they wanted answers to but were too scared/embarrassed/ashamed to ask. Or maybe the problem is, you have no one TO ask.

I've been very lucky in having 2 sisters that I can go to with any question, no matter how bizarre. Heck, I can even go to my mom when I'm sure it won't embarrass her too much. But I think many in the church are missing this connection.

Let's just be honest here. You're married? I KNOW you have sex. It's not a secret. Everyone knows you do it. So why can't we discuss it with our friends? And I don't mean in a general, jokey sense where we talk around it. I mean, do you have that person that you can talk to when you have a question or concern? I hope you are at least open with your spouse but what if he/she comes to you and asks if you'd be willing to try XYZ but you aren't sure what to do? Do you go online for your answers? Wouldn't it be best to go to someone you trust, who has the same values and beliefs that you do and discuss it with them?

I believe that sex is a good, wonderful thing within the confines of marriage and if I want to discuss it, I will get the best feedback from someone who is approaching it from the same set of beliefs. Think about it. If you are unhappy with your spouse's performance and you talk to someone who doesn't have your same set of beliefs, is there a chance that he's/she's going to tell you to look somewhere else for satisfaction? Or perhaps to engage in activities that fall outside the construct of marriage?

Again, I feel blessed that even though my sisters and I don't agree on...well, almost everything, I can go to them and get advice or get questions answered or, honestly, we can just vent. But not everyone has that. There was one instance where a dear friend of mine opened up to me and admitted that she wasn't happy with her sex life with her husband but didn't know what to do about it. It wasn't a new problem for her but she'd never discussed it with anyone. That breaks my heart. That kind of thing can wear on a relationship. How long had it been going on without her knowing where to go or what to do? I'm not saying that anything I said to her helped, but sometimes just knowing that you are not alone is a huge thing.

Do I have any magic words or advice on how to approach someone with this kind of topic? Sadly, no. All I
can say is that if you have something on your heart that you need help or advice with, start with the person you trust the most. And be honest. You'd be amazed at how many people go through the same things.

Sex is still a private thing between you and your spouse and shouldn't be broadcast across the internet (or a blog--sorry, MC), but there's no reason that we shouldn't be able to confide in those closest to us about something that is such a big part of any marriage. Try opening up. I think you'll be glad you did. 

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