November 8, 2013

Flashback Friday: Explicitly Yours

I'm bringing Flashback back!

Yeah, it doesn't have the same kind of zing as bringing sexy back, but I have to work with what I've got. And what I've got is a new Flashback.

Today I present to you one of my more humiliating moments (and that is truly saying something). And it's actually pretty recent. So buckle up for another ride on the "Why does this have to happen to me?" train.

MC and I have now celebrated our 18th year of marriage. (Go us!) 18 years, 3 kids, 8 addresses, 10 pets and a countless number of cars later and we are still going strong. One of the challenges of keeping a marriage strong for so long is sustaining the fire. How do you keep that spark alive when your spouse has seen you sick, grouchy, and PMS-ing? When he's had a front row seat during 3 births (and yeah, it's all miraculous, but it's still not pretty)? When you have intimate knowledge of your spouse's morning breath, snoring habits, bodily functions and smells (and yes, I'm talking about mine), how do you ensure that the fire is still burning?

Over the years, we've found ways to get creative. I won't go into too many details except to say I love smart phones. I can text my husband little hints and secret messages all day long at work to build up that anticipation. I can send him pics (Hey, don't judge! 18 years, remember?) and get that oven pre-heated while still doing the laundry at home. And we take full advantage of this modern wonder.

If you are one of my FB friends, you know what's coming. If not, let me enlighten you. On a very boring, nothing special day in April of last year, MC was sitting at the computer with his back to me while I was waiting for the mom of the little boy I took care of to pick him up. Realizing that certain aspects of our marriage had been a little too neglected, I decided to offer up a remedy for that in a simple, clear cut manner. Anticipating the moment when MC would get the message and then turn around to give me that saucy little wink, I sent him a text. A very special text. It didn't involve any pictures--hello? Sitting with a 2 year old?--but I did make a suggestion for the evening's activities.

I was not I could have been but I was still disappointed when it failed to stir MC from his computer screen. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt since he had no idea what was being sent--maybe he was planning on looking at the phone in a minute. So I waited. And waited. Still nothing. I busied myself with Little Man until I couldn't stand it any longer. Finally I had to ask, "Seriously?! No reaction at all? I got nothin'?" Unfortunately MC had no idea what I talking about. He never got the text.

And why, dear children, didn't he get my text? Because I didn't send it to him. I SENT IT TO SOMEONE ELSE! There are a number of people that I could have accidentally sexted and it would have been no big deal. (Not sure what exactly that says about my friends...) If I had sent it to one of my sisters, perhaps, they would have laughed and it would be brought up at family gatherings for the rest of my life but I would have been laughing with them. Even my parents would be a good recipient as they would no doubt just tease me a bit and move on. But, did I sent this explicit invitation for some sexy time to any of them? Noooooooooo! Of course not--then I wouldn't bother blogging about it. So who, you ask, was the lucky one who got to read the plans I was making for my hunk of Man Candy?

The mother of the child that I provided child care for.

That's right--Little Man's mama, whom I had texted earlier, was sent the message that was meant only for MC's eyes. It takes a lot to embarrass me but I have to tell you I. WAS. MORTIFIED! She's not one of my liberal minded friends, she is a conservative member of the Texas bible belt. How in the world was I going to face her? Day after day? And was I actually going to have to explain to her that those words weren't really meant for her? I mean, I hoped she knew I don't swing that way, but still...Gah! Oh, and did I mention she's the sister of my sister-in-law? What will I do if this gets back to my husband's family? I will never be able to live this down!

I did the only thing a mature, married, responsible woman could do in this situation. I apologized by text so I wouldn't have to look her in the eye while doing it. I mean, seriously, what was I supposed to do? Wait until she came by to pick up the precious child she entrusted to me and, as I'm handing him over, apologize to her for soliciting her for sex? My willingness to embarrass myself only goes so far. Luckily, she took it well. She is, after all, married with 3 children so it's not like she's never had to pre-heat the oven herself. But that didn't make it any less embarrassing when she came to pick up her son.

And the reaction I got from MC? Sooo not the one I had planned. Instead of an afternoon delight I got to play witness to him wondering how on earth he managed to snag such a brilliant wife.

Needless to say I am much more careful when I send out any...personal...texts to my husband now. Yes, I still send them but I double- and sometimes triple-check the recipient before I hit send. It would be just my luck that I would send one out to the wrong person and they would actually accept. I have enough blog fodder without that.

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